UPDATED: ADVICE: He’s Cheating On Me And I Like It?

(UPDATE: Di, the lady who wrote this letter contacted me after reading comments and said she is NOT leaving husband. He just booked them a trip to Tahiti. Looks like the divorce is on the horizon if you read her letter or another case of “missing wife”.) I know that my husband of 20 years has been cheating on me. We got married young, we’re in our late 40s. Basically, we grew up together. I’ve known about his ways for years now, but I never thought about saying anything until now. I guess I want him to explain to me why I was never enough. I know when he cheats because he becomes overly attentive to me. He takes me places, buy me more gifts, and we may have sex (he barely touches me). I may forget about it for a minute, but I still hurt. I cry and I beg him to be honest, but he always denies. I am not ready to leave. Should I confront him about his lies? Every time he cheats, I wonder if he’s just gonna say “f it, and leave me.”

Afraid,
Di*

Dear Di*,

The short answer to your question about confronting him is “no”. What for? If you don’t plan to do anything about it and don’t plan to leave, let it go. What do you think? He’s gonna get a light bulb moment when you confront him and be like: “You know what, I’ve should’ve told you. Let’s go to therapy, work this all out, and then have some Mai Tais on the beach with the little umbrellas in it.” It still wouldn’t be enough for you. For some reason, I sense his cheating reinforces your role as a martyr, a role you’ve probably had your whole life. It’s sad, it’s lonely, it’s angry, it victimized, and yet it’s comfortable. In some weird way, you’re enabling him to cheat. He knows he has a miserable, manipulative wife who will never feel like she’s good enough. That is way too much for any human shoulders to carry, because even if he’s not cheating, you’re still unhappy.

He’s performing a role you need to make value of your existence. Without him cheating, you’ll have too much emotional responsibility on you. You’d actually have to hold him accountable and yourself for shish that happens. Crazy, huh? But it seems you’ve learned a golden rule here…no one can make anybody do anything. You can’t stop him from cheating. It’s up to him. His cheating may have actually been the reason you’re still “together” to this day. It doesn’t mean he hates or doesn’t love you. It’s nothing personal with these ladies, obviously, but then again, husbands leave their wives (and vice versa) everyday. But don’t spend your nights crying about that, too. Imagine if the man didn’t have any outlet to vent his sexual desire but you? Imagine if he was “forced” to be faithful before he’s ready. He probably would’ve committed suicide or left you years ago for escape. Thank the other woman for holding what’s left of your marriage together; for helping you sustain your role as the martyr and your husband as the bad guy. He’s only living a role you created for him, and you are living the role he created for you. In the end, you get to keep a husband, keep the money at home, have somebody to take out the trash, and don’t have to lie on your back and wear his freakin’ favorite purple panties like a mistress.

(shaking head),
MR

*Names have been changed for privacy.

Letter to LisaRaye (a request from one of my readers!)

Dear Lisa:

You got a problem. A problem many women have, especially Black women, and that is not knowing when to let go. We understand that you are over 40, a single mother, an actress that had to hustle from one role to the other, only to find that one of her most consistent TV roles was cut off. Back to the drawing board. Then comes Mr. Prime Minister, handsome, rich, seduces you, you seduce him. You marry. You smile. Then all hell breaks loose. It happens.

In the best of situations, your husband is like you, lost, broken, where the two of you can see each other faults and apply healing balm to each other wounds (literally, with your bite marks). In your case, it’s not that way. You both are from different planets. You and him were never meant to be. It is possible that you, or he, had forced this marriage to make it look “right” or look “good”. He had something you needed, and you had something he needed. Was there love? Maybe. What do you think?

As I conclude, remember that what you fight to get in life you fight to keep. Aren’t you tired of fighting? Not him, but your fear to be alone, another single black woman with kids. But get this. You fought him physically, but you are also beating yourself up for making a wrong move. Now, if you two work this out, since you are married and have made a promise, please do not go to the press anymore. Suck it up. Get your marriage right in privacy. Stay on T&K. Build an orphanage, make those T&K women like you. Yes. Set up a school. Take your PM wife role and wear it and stay out of Lil Kim’s parties.

With love,
Maryann

Mazultav! Marry Your Baby Daddy Day 2009

That’s right. It’s on again on 9/24/09. 9/09 is another year with those double numbers that’s supposed to bring luck like 7/07. This time, the all-expenses paid wedding with the WORKS will be bigger and better than before. Some new things, but the format of selection will always be the same. I call it the “secret” recipe that has made our event a success year after year after year. No dropouts, some deep moments, but always love, love love. Listen in to some of the “secrets” of our recipe for success! In the meantime, apply now.

Are Men The New Women? No, Fathers Are The New Mothers? No, I Mean…

Whatever happened with just asking a gal out on a date and see what happens? When the Chinsese said “may you live in interesting times”, they meant that as a warning. Here’s the excerpt from the NY Times Style section on 9/7:

Joe Kurtzer, 45, an executive with a financial services company in the Boston area, said he was 39 and fresh from a failed relationship in 2002 when he decided to raise a child on his own. “I didn’t want to be 50 years old having a child,” he said.

I never agreed with single women having a child without a father, nor can I agree with single men choosing to be dads through surrogates and such. First off, women outnumber men. In some cases, a woman may not meet a guy to marry and have a kid with to suit her very obvious biological clock ticking (I can smell a fertile man over 6 feet tall about 10 blocks away making my eggs nearly jump out of me). Men have a bit more time to pick over what’s left. Why not just work on building a relationship with a nice gal and have a baby, and yes, maybe get married? When did this become the last resort instead of the first? Who in their right (no Palin pun intended) would choose to raise a child by themselves?

Lisa Raye Missick’s Marriage To A HAM

I was trying to avoid this today because it is all over the blogosphere. But what the hell is going on with these two? I think Lisa is handling it well and she just exploded this week. But nobody should be biting anyone. EVER. Well, it depends…LOL.

But anyway, did she try to get back with him to get pregnant? She may be trying to secure her baby payments, but I don’t know what the laws are for that there. I really believe she loves dude. But then again, no one wants to go back to being a struggling artist. Though she had a movie here and there, and tv show, she was still hustling from part to part.

I want to hear Misick’s side in all this. We heard about the rape, the molestation, the abuse charges against him. Fine. But what does he think about all this? Is Lisa some raging maniac behind doors? What is the reason for him acting like this? She pulled a straight hood move showing up at his house, but she is his WIFE. She lives there, too. The reports indicate he would not let her in the house. In the states, if a man calls the cops, the wife still has a right to come in the house. They must do things differently in T & K.

This is the statement from the Premiere of T & K:

“Last night LisaRaye, her cousin Phillip Travis, and her publicist Lynn Jetter assaulted the guard at the Premier’s home, proceeded to ransack the house, and then assaulted the Premier and his sister. As the result of her assault on them, both the Premier and his sister were taken to the hospital with injuries and later released.

Up until the below, Lisa wanted to help her husband in all his charges. Bless her heart…

Jay Is Married (The Truth Shall Set You Free) and It’s Sacred! How Dare He…

This week snippets of Jay Z’s interview with VIBE have been floating around the internet. I like Jay and Bey, separate and together. But if you read the snippets you’ll see how this almost 40 (if not yet)year old man has really matured from his days from “Don’t Knock the Hustle” days to romantic talk about what’s sacred in his life:

“I just think it’s really a part of your life that you gotta keep to yourself,” The 2were married in a “very special, very private, very intimate” rooftop ceremony in NYC on April 4. “You have to have something sacred to you and the people around you, I shared so much of my life… I should have something to hold on to.”

This, I respect. Now it all makes sense why he had to walk 5 steps in front of her or vice versa. If these two were just regular folks I think they would’ve married in a heartbeat. Beyonce is about her money, Jay gets money, they both build, grow, fall, and rise again. There’s no better partner to have in life, then one you love (and hate, sometimes, we all been there!) But you love, and you know because of that things ain’t always gonna roll out smoothly. Hence, the hiding, the not-wearing the rings thing, etc. I wish these two the best! They already have it, though. At least so, it seems….

Leave Usher Alone! He’s a Human Being!

….And married to the woman we all love to hate, Ms. Tameka Foster aka Mrs. Raymond. As much as many people have got to say about these day we gotta admit that they are a nice black family. The baby is precious and she didn’t let Usher get away with knocking her up and keeping it moving. They got married. And I believe (but who am I) that they really in love. I hope to see more little Usher Raymonds coming out. So, please Tammy girl, hold on to that boy a little longer. If not, I hope the prenup was solid or are you getting 5 million per baby like Beyonce? Just asking….